so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
