I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
