I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
