I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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