dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
