My first STD was from a foam party
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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