sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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