Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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