I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
