i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
