i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
