We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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