I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Houston, we have a squirter
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
