dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
