Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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