I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
