it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
