I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
