Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
