She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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