So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
