im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it was like eating out sand paper
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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