Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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