Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
vagina is talking i cant
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
