I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
