Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
