it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
