I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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