alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
