yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
nut hugger
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
