I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
