Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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