I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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