woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
