my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
