I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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