you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
