Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
