i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
