Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
