He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
