Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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