Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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