Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
