do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
