When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
