Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you had me at cake vodka
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
