3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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