Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
