My sheets look like a crime scene.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
