Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
